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Journey of discovery: Who am I?



Have you ever felt that something wasn't quite, right?


Have you looked in the mirror and hated what you saw?


Have you ever wished that you could wake up someone else? I felt those things every day for as long as I can remember, I didn't know what it meant. I thought all girls felt that way. I thought all girls hated their 'parts'. I remember being bullied at school for being a tomboy on a free dress day and coming home crying to my mum. I asked her to make me be a girl so I would fit in and not be bullied. So we went to the shops and purchased some pants and a shirt for the following free dress day. I felt so out of place wearing the clothes I only ever wore them once and decided to no longer participate in free dress days.


The bullying led to self-harming and dropping out of school in grade 10, where I perused hairdressing. I was 16 and realised that I needed to 'suck it up' and be a girl. Mum and I went shopping to find my 'style', and she taught me how to do makeup. When dressed, ready for my first day, I had never felt so disgusted within myself. I managed to push those feelings down and continued on. The feelings of disgust became easier to handle in my working life but harder to manage in my personal. It affected relationships, social circles and my self-esteem. Finally, after years, I found friends and workplaces supporting my quirks and how I dressed and acted. I no longer wore makeup and dresses. I felt so much joy in breaking free of the self-loathing I experienced daily. Although I still felt wrong, I felt repulsed when looking in the mirror.


I began googling 'what is wrong with me', 'I hate my body', 'I want to be a boy', I researched and thought to myself, if I could wake up tomorrow and be a boy, I would be so happy! But I could never do it; what would my family think? What would people say? So, I kept it to myself for years, thinking something must be wrong with me. I lived the life I desired through the journey of other people from Reddit who dared to change. I managed to do this for years until I met a beautiful soul, whom I'm glad to call my partner. I told her how I felt about my body and who I was. I would talk to her about it every week, how I'd love to be my authentic self but never be able to do it. One day she said 'just stop it already! Go to a Dr and find out about it'. 2 months later, we were on our way to the specialist. I was so nervous on the way there that I thought I was going to vomit; I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I mean, how do you know!?!


The appointment went well; the doctor made me feel valid and gave me the information I needed to make an informed decision. But it ultimately came down to me, I had the make that choice, the choice to change. The first hormone injection I had, once it was administered, I knew right away I made the right choice, I felt all my fears go away instantly!

As the months went on I began seeing changes in my body, and I cant express the happiness I felt in every moment. Finally, I underwent top surgery in January 2022 to remove my breasts. I felt free for the first time in my entire life. I am no longer angry at myself; I have more to give everyone around me, and most importantly, I am kind to myself for the first time in 27 years.


I am a man, so why am I writing here? Because I was born a woman and have tried to live that way for many years, I would like to think that I understand what it means to be a woman. The emotions you feel, the struggles you face and the challenges you overcome. No matter what, you can ALWAYS overcome them. Sometimes, you need to find the right person to believe in you to help you believe in yourself. There are so many parts to the journey I haven't written, but I leave you with this for now.


Find your voice, find yourself, and don't be afraid to make the change.


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